"Basic Doctrine"
The first (and hopefully last) sermon by the All Knowing Senile Lord and Imperial Majesty of Public Relations, Ryan
I've had a few people come to me, asking me to explain exactly what members of Breadcult should believe. I've killed all of those people, of course, but the question still hangs over me, like a soggy piece of bread. So, to ease my conscience (and give this page a bit more content) I have decided to answer, once and for all, this nagging question.
What do Breadcultists Believe, on Tuesdays?
As a Breadcultist, you should belive everything. Especially anything I say. I mean, come on, you are a part of a cult dedicated to Bread! For the naggy whiners among you who want specifics, here are a few basic things you believe:

1) Bread exists. That is to say, as you come to understand the deeper meaning of Bread, you will come to relieze that it is in a timeless state of not-not existing. To believe that Bread does not exist is blasphemy, and saying that it does not-not-not exist just sounds lame. Likewise, if Bread were to not-not-not-not-not-not-not-not exist, I would get a headache, so it can only not-not exist. On a similar note, Douglas does not exist. Any words to the contrary must have at least 4 syllables, and be spoken in Klingon.

2) Bread is good. Which is really an empty statement, when you think about it. I mean, what is NOT good? More importantly, what is only good on Tuesday? Once you search your soul, and discover the answer to these questions, you will relieze that Bread is good. Only then can you appreciate the full meaning of the words. Only then, when you have seened the light, can you say "Bread is good." To aid you in this journey, I would recommend you read this whole page again, you obviously missed the whole point the first time. Being literate helps too.

3) Soggy Bread is not good. Soggy Bread is the result of vaguely punishable crimes against our concept of an extremely furry supreme being (not to be confused with Douglas, who does not exist). The fact that both are figments of our imagination does not lessen the vague vileness of the crime. If Bread is soggy, someone must have done something wrong, and must be punished accordingly. The exact punishment, of course, is not clear, since that would take all the fun out of making people squirm. If you did anything to make Bread soggy, you should punish yourself, as violently as possible, to spare us the trouble of hunting you down. Failure to exhibit signs of violent, self-inflicted punishment will be taken as a sign of demon possession. You have been warned.

If you managed to follow all that, you are now inifinately wiser in the ways of Breadcult. Well, actually, it's not infinite, and I'm sure we could quantify your new-found wisdom, but that doesn't sound as good, so we won't. In fact, we'll just drown out all doubts with a ingrained, subliminally entreched slogan. All Hail Bread!